Goodbye
by shewhowearsglasses
Summary: When Cas leaves, Dean breaks inside. He misses the foolish man more than he ever hoped, or expected to.
1. Chapter 1

**You guys had me making this as soon as it was posted! First review that liked it and I was like OH YES I AM POSTING THIS. So, here. First chapter is just what happened at the end of The Angel Who Loved Him. It'll be told in flashbacks and memories and you'll slowly piece it together. It's not gonna be long. Maybe like 5 chapters? Tops.**

**Anyway! Here ya go. Thanks for staying faithful, my dearies.**

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**Chapter 1**

The tears were catching. They were building up behind his eyes like you wouldn't believe; they were tearing down his walls and eating him inside-out. Dean scratched absently at his nose, trying to wish away the water pushing at his green eyes.

Castiel stood before him, bag in hand, nodding in a way he'd prayed he'd never see.

"Cas! Stop! I told you! I told you this would happen and you said-" He choked, curling a hand over his mouth casually to cover his break, "-you said." He repeated, calmer, steadier, focusing on breathing. In. Out. In. Out. "You said that you'd stay! You _said_ you wouldn't be like the others!"

"I know, Dean."

The tears were out when those three words dripped from Castiel's frowning mouth, like fucking poison. They entrapped Dean, playing over and over on a tape like a fucking echo that fucking crushed his very soul. The words dipped and laughing and pointed. They screamed and they hollered because Dean could not keep anyone. He drove everyone away. His mother, Bobby, Ellen, his father, _Sammy_. Even fucking Castiel! The dick he'd believed. The asshole who had lied through his shining teeth. The complete bastard who'd said _"I love you, I love you!"_ Like a prayer. Like a fucking _prayer_. Who'd wrapped him up tight, and stolen his heart when he wasn't looking.

"Then why are you doing this!?" Dean was screaming, he knew. He was loosing it. He was causing a scene in a fucking airport like some lunatic. "Why are you leaving me!?"

"I'm sorry, Dean."

"You're not!" Dean shouted, pointing his finger in Castiel's fucking face. "You're not sorry! Don't lie and bullshit me when all you're gonna do is leave!"

"I really am, Dean. I'm sorry."

Dean looked at him, his blue eyes glistening with unshed tears. Tears built up in much the same way he'd held them in. Tears that would fall as soon as he could fall into the airplane, catch his breath and push back the memories.

"I wish it didn't have to be this way. I really do." He whispered desperately, taking a step toward Dean.

Dean stepped back to match the pace, "don't, Cas. Don't you fucking dare! Don't touch me! Don't act like you love me when your actions betray your bullshit _lies_!" He sneered, but the tears slipping down his cheeks stole the intimidating attitude he'd tried for. They wiped the slate and forced him into a position he'd hoped never to visit.

"I do love you, though! Dean, I love you with all my heart!" Castiel shouted back, dropping his bags and finally coming to stand before Dean. "Don't you fucking put me in this place, Dean! I love you, I love you so much. I don't want to do this, but I have to. It's what we need to do. We can't just keep up this joke. It's not- you're not-"

Dean's heart dropped into his stomach, burning heat surged through him at the words. "If you love me, then why are you letting me go?"

"Because you're letting _me_ go."

Dean's heart stopped, the beating rhythm falling silent in the dark room. Castiel gazed at him in wonder, hoping maybe... Maybe this would be the moment. Dean could come to his senses- This could all just end.

"Cas, I... I can't. It's not- I'm not-"

"No, Dean, you're not. That's exactly right. You're a fucking coward." Castiel hissed, picking his backs back up and turning away. "Goodbye, Dean."

Dean watched him go, his face falling in on itself as he drowned in the sorrow Castiel had burned into him. The dick was right. He _was_ a coward, and a fucking idiot. It was all his fault. If he only could have admitted he-

No.

It was over.

And that's how it was all supposed to end, right?

Right.

As he watched the plane take off into that deep, dark sky, he wondered where Castiel would end up. Maybe in some happy neighborhood with some nice man. Maybe they'd get married, talk about scientific things, Cas had always enjoyed that kind of stuff.

Hopefully he would be happier. Dean could never give him the happiness he needed, the happiness he _deserved_.

With that final thought, Dean turned and traced his steps back out into the lonely parking lot, sliding his keys out and driving home in silence.


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm actually writing this all out before I post it. I'm gonna do weekly updates. Every friday? Maybe every Sunday. I dunno. Help me. Please review! I love you guys!**

**Oh and hey, I wanted to update you on this topic. Remember my cute co-worker? Yeah, lemme update you real quick. We kissed; it WAS a thing. Then he was a horrible texter and dyed his hair and just... is dull suddenly. And so now it's done. Yay. At least I DID get my first kiss. Poo, I'm so lame. Eighteen and only been kissed once. What's wrong with me? Anyway... HERE YA GO!**

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**Chapter 2**

_His hands melted the skin he touched, stealing gasps from Dean's lips as they moved down down down-_

_"Cas!" He was breathing, eyes wide with the slow burn that erupted from Castiel's breath against his stomach. The man in question only dragged his lips endlessly across Dean's chest. Smiling against his ribcage, "don't like this, Dean?"_

_"Cas, don't stop. Just-"_

_The door opened, startling the pair apart quickly. Dean's shirt was only folded up, so he tugged it down as immediately as possibly, turning to face his younger brother with an attempt at casual, "hey there, Sammy!"_

_Sam's eyes raked back and forth over the pair, narrowing slightly on the way Castiel's eyes fogged and his lips were wet. "What were you guys just doing?" He asked gently, not sure if he wanted the answer._

_Castiel paused, glancing at Dean to figure out the answer himself, "I..."_

_"We were just talking, Gigantor. What'd it look like?" He shook his head, slugging Cas in the shoulder as the other man deflated, only offering a small nod of affirmation._

.

"Dean?" Sam asked, approaching his older brother slowly, so as not to frighten him off, "you okay, man?"

"Yeah, Sammy. Just peachy." The man answered huskily, downing another beer as he scratched at his already red eyes. "Just peachy..." He echoed as Sam nodded, realizing Dean didn't want to talk just yet.

Dean thrust his fist into the pillow as Sam closed the door gently behind him. He pounded and pounded away at the fabric, leaving marks where his fists had fallen. He cried out in agony, whining at his idiocy.

"Fuck everything! You fuck _everything_ up!" He cried, slamming his fist into the wall behind him, before shouting at the pain of it.

.

_"Dean? What am I to you?"_

_"You're my friend, Cas. Whad'ya mean?"_

_"I mean- nevermind."_

_"You sure?"_

_"Yes, Dean. I'm sure."_

_._

Castiel moved into the new airport half way across the country, looking at the light filtering in through the huge windows, he couldn't help but want to regret what he'd done. He'd left his most important person, but was it...

Yes, it needed to be done.

Dean had to realize his mistakes and learn from them. He'd hurt Castiel in so many ways over the past year or so, and Cas couldn't just tell him! The idiot had to figure it out for himself. It didn't take a genius.

Even Sam had noticed after only a week.

.

_"Cas?"_

_The man in question looked up, smiling softly at the younger Winchester, "yes, Sam?"_

_"Does it... Do you like Dean?"_

_"Of course I like Dean."_

_"No, I mean.." Sam paused, searching for the right words to approach the delicate topic. "Do you _like_ Dean?"_

_Castiel paused, flustered at his obviousness. "Was I... Is it-"_

_"Cas everyone can tell. Even Dean can tell, somewhere deep down. He's just so... Sooo... Dean. He doesn't see what's right in front of him!"_

_"Yes, I suppose that's true.."_

_"Don't you want to be more?"_

_"We are more, Sam. That's the thing." Castiel paused, finding the look on Sam's face rather upsetting. The man obviously did not know the extent of their relationship. "We have... kissed."_

_"What?!"_

_"Are you so surprised? I'm not one for waiting."_

_"Yeah, but-"_

_"Dean reciprocated. But, he still says we're friends. As if kissing is a normal friend thing." Castiel looked away, frustrated with the turn in conversation. "I mean, I enjoy being with him. But, is it selfish of me to want more?"_

_"No, Cas. It's not selfish at all."_

_._

Dean threw a book against the wall, racking his brain over Castiel's words.

_"That's exactly right. You're a fucking coward."_

He'd practically yelled it, and the worst part was... Castiel rarely swore. He kept his mouth clean, and had even scolded both Winchesters for their vulgarity several times.

He was serious. Deadly serious.

Dean turned and flopped back into his pillow, moaning as the tears built up again.

.

_"Is this your-"_

_"Friend." Dean was quick to cut Jo off before she could continue her remark. "This is my_ friend, _Castiel."_

_Her mouth opened and closed in silence, "oh."_

_If you squinted, you could see the way Castiel's hand clenched and his eyes blinked one second too long. "Yes, it's nice to meet you, Jo. Dean's told me so much about you!"_

_Dean grinned when Jo's smile returned, "all good things, I hope."_

_Castiel smiled, looking away from the grinning pair. Who was he as Dean's _friend_ to watch such an intimate moment with Dean's ex-girlfriend. He bit the inside of his cheek, regretting attending this work function with Dean._

_._

His new apartment was increasingly lonely without sticky notes from Dean, his phone calls whispering secret "i miss you"'s, and his constant badgering to go out and eat some unhealthy junk food.

_"Quit it with that rabbit food, Cas! Let's go get a real meal!"_

Castiel dropped his bag to the floor after a particularly long day at work. His co-workers were more than welcoming, especially a younger intern named Meg. He ignored her constant presence, his mind instead straying to one subject and one subject alone: Dean Winchester.

.

_It was a Tuesday morning when Castiel Novak realized he was in love with Dean Winchester._

_He loved everything about the man._

_He loved his eyes._

_He loved their beautiful shade of green, like the grass on a particularly dewey morning. Like the murky waters of that lake they visited at least once a week. They were such a unique color. Never in his life had Castiel seen a pair of eyes as clear and magnificent as the eyes of Dean Winchester._

_He loved his freckles._

_They smattered across his cheeks as if God had taken a paintbrush and just splashed it against his rugged face. They dipped and dove around the curve of his nose in a zig-zagging trail that Castiel liked to follow with his finger._

_He loved his hands._

_They were big, but soft. Calloused, but smooth to the touch. They burned a trail of fire wherever they went, from tugging on Castiel's hair in a moment of passion, to roughly brushing along his collarbone as he pulled him into a deep kiss. They skirted around his hips, and lifted his chin lovingly; they yanked his shoes from his feet after a long day, and rubbed the pain from Castiel's back as he hummed in contentment._

_Castiel Novak loved Dean Winchester._

_Everything about him._


	3. Chapter 3

**Anyone watch the Voice? How do you feel about Cassadee winning it? Personally, I don't think she deserved it. Don't get me wrong, she's fantastic and I love her! I'd previously been a fan of Hey Monday to back it up. But, I felt like her winning was a bit of a cheat, because she'd already had a fanbase outside of the show. Whatever. I wish Terry or Nick had won.**

**Have a great day, ladies and gentlemen!**

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**Chapter 3**

Dean shook himself awake, immediately wiping the dried tears from his face and glancing around. Sam wasn't here, thank fucking God.

The asshole would probably mock him for weeks if he so much as caught a glimpse of his tears!

His phone showed no blinking numbers, alerting him to the fact that Cas was gone for good. He hadn't called even once to tell Dean he'd landed safely. Dean pushed his face into his hands, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and standing. He needed to come to terms with this end.

He needed to stop whining like a little bitch just because some boy wasn't coming back.

He was supposed to be straight anyway! Why was he crying so much over the simple fuck buddy he'd had for a year?

Maybe because Cas wasn't just a fuck buddy. Cas was his best friend; the guy he went to when he was fighting with Sam, or had problems at work. Cas was the only one who understood him inside and out, not even needing to hear his side of the events before nodding and handing him a cup of coffee. They were soul mates, whether or not they were in love. They knew everything about each other and he used to love that about their relationship.

He _loved_ having a best friend after going so long without.

Sam was his best friend before, but Sam was also his brother. Sam was there for him no matter what because they were blood and they stuck together like they had no where else to go. Sam had always been there and would continue to be there for Dean, but he was family and that was what family did. He loved Dean, but Dean was not his best friend, he was his _brother_.

Cas was his best friend. And Dean was in love with him.

The idiot.

Never in his life did he expect to turn 31 amid kisses from a surprisingly unshaven face. He'd expected to be in love by then (and he was); he expected to have a family (and he did have one); he expected to come home every day to a wife and child who loved him dearly. He had never even braced himself to arrive home to a kiss from a strange man, and no small feet pattering along the ceiling.

But, there he was, sobbing at the foot of his too-large bed over some guy he'd only known for 2 years. Some guy who suddenly meant more to him than Sam, and Bobby. Some guy who loved him unconditionally, and he was finally coming to terms with the fact, that he may just slightly kind of love back.

Dean fell back to the bed.

Was he in love with Cas?

Was he in love with that too skinny, too smart, too annoying son of a bitch with the trench coat and the sea of blue ties? Did he have feelings for the best friend with the messy hair and the textbook hands and the lab coats? Was there something there among the sloppy kisses and the wandering hands?

Yes. There was.

Did Dean want to admit that was the real question. The answer was a soft no, but slowly developing and transforming because he fucking missed that asshole. He wanted him back and damned would be the man who let his pride stand in the way of his true feelings!

That didn't mean he was planning on admitting it. He'd wait. He'd wait and he'd think and maybe-

No, maybe he should act immediately? Should he?

Maybe Cas would take him back, he should really apologize.

He'd introduced Cas as his friend countless times, he'd ignored what they had in favor of standing straight and tall and leering down at pretty girls with fluffy hair.

Damnit, he muttered to no one in particular. Damn it all!

He was in fucking love with that angel with the blue eyes that sparkled with his smile. He was in love with that dickwad who couldn't curse to save his life, and went to church every Sunday even though he was supposedly banned from the gates of Heaven. He was in love with the asshole with the twisty nose and the soft laugh that built with every pressing moment.

He needed to find Cas.

He needed to tell him.

This wasn't over. Not if he could help it. It hurt too much for too long for him to ignore.

He stood up, dashing out the door without another thought otherwise. He was heading to the airport immediately. Only problem was-

Where did Cas live again?


	4. Chapter 4

**There MAY be an epilogue. But, probably not. Just don't get your hopes up!**

**I was gonna wait until Tuesday to post this, but I'm in a good mood. I saw The Hobbit, I fell in love with Kili, I made new friends, I got into my first college, and my friend got into hers. It's been a solid day. Merry Christmas! This is your gift! Love you guys THAT REVIEW! I mean, thank you all for reading! But, please? Review JUST the last chapter at least! I mean sheesh. It's not asking much! I posted early for you, review for me. Please and thank you!**

**Happy Holidays!**

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**Chapter 4**

Running.

The feet that stampede through the airport only pause twice: to buy a ticket, and to check bags.

Then, he's on the plane.

He only remembers the fear as the plane rises off the landing pad.

He's clutching the arms of his chair and his feet and pulled up to his chest. He breathes in deep and disregards the odd looks the woman beside him is sending his way. He focuses instead on Castiel's blue eyes and the way his lips tilt in a light smile whenever they're together.

He focuses on the words that will pour from his mouth in less than 3 hours as he knocks harshly on Castiel's temporary door.

And then the worries set in-

What if he's moved on? It's been over a week! That's enough time, isn't it?

Nope. Nope. Noooope. Dean crosses his arms and sighs, trying to relax enough to close his eyes and fall asleep.

The voice erases his worries sooner than expected, "thank you for flying with-"

Dean grins, sitting alert as if he hadn't been gripping onto anything he could reach like a life line for the past 3 hours. The woman beside him sends a smirk in his direction, "you okay there?"

"Now that we've landed."

"You made it," she hisses out from under her eyelashes. "What're you going to do now?"

The old Dean would've flirted his way into her obviously loose pants. The old Dean would've smirked back, "depends on what you're planning on doing." He would've said with a smile that lit up all of New York. But, he's no longer the old Dean, so instead, he smiles and says, "I'm gonna go and kiss my boyfriend until he forgives me for being an idiot."

Her mouth snaps shut and she turns toward the front of the plane, pretending as if they hadn't spoken. He sees her ears flush red and her hands tighten into fists as she undoubtedly scolds herself for flirting with a homo.

And then he is off the plane, nearly bending down to kiss the ground after the hell he went through, but instead, Dean is running again.

Running.

Until his feet hit the sidewalk and the cab pulls up and he hands him the sheet of paper with 56G blue house, 3rd Street scribbled across in sloppy handwriting.

.

_"Dean?"_

_"Yeah, Cas?"_

_"I think that I-"_

_"You what?"_

_"I think I might possibly-"_

_"Spit it out, Cas."_

_"It's not... Nevermind."_

_"Are you sure, Cas? It must have been important."_

_"It's nothing."_

_The I love you is whispered in his thoughts as he tries to keep in the leaking tears._

.

He's knocking at the door but nothing's happening and he's worried cause what if there's another man who answers the door or what if he doesn't live here and Dean's at the wrong house or what if-?

"Dean?"

The air is knocked from the lungs at the sight of the familiar face. Dean is hit by a gust of affection as Castiel's head tilts in question and a slow smile approaches his lips with trepidation.

"Cas, I love you!" Dean bursts out suddenly, catching the other man off guard. "I'm so sorry, but I love you and I've loved you for a long time, I just didn't know it yet and-"

But Dean is cut off as Castiel launches himself forward, their lips meet and a passion burns deep inside Dean that he never thought could erupt. They kiss as if the life is being sucked out of them and it's their last chance on Earth. They kiss as if this is both their first and their last all mingled into one sloppy, wet kiss that leaves both men breathless.

"I'm so sorry, Cas." Dean whispers against his lips as they pause to catch up with the air scratching at their lungs. "I'm so so sorry."

"Dean, it's okay." Castiel is whispering back and then he's tugging them back inside. "It's okay. You're here now."

.

_"I love you, Cas."_

_"I love you too, Dean."_

_"Will you shut up and kiss me then?"_

_"But I have to-"_

_"Fuck work, just kiss me."_

_"As you wish, Dean."_


End file.
